I already know 2011 is going to be great year, or at least a prosperous one. In just the last couple of weeks, I have received over a dozen emails from all over the world informing me of impending wealth.
I was most touched by the woman from Liberia, smuggled to Italy and “lulled into prostitution.” In Mexico, she was caught with a “kilo of drugs in my private part,” arrested, and “incarnated.” Upon release from prison, she tried to go straight, but a litany of awful things happened, including the police confiscating her boutique. When she heard this news, she fell into a coma. She came back to life, and now needs my help saving her soul AND getting $8 million out of an Italian bank before she succumbs to her “Mal-Functioning Heart Condition.”
Meanwhile, I need to go through my family tree to see if I indeed have a Nigerian relative. Robert Mueller himself wrote me from the Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes division of the FBI to make sure I was the legitimate heir of $10.5 million from Nigeria. He offered to help me get through all that nasty red tape — the Nigerians tried to use a “secret diplomatic transit payment (S.T.D.P)” to get me the money, which is apparently a big no-no.
And though I hardly ever even buy a scratch-off lottery ticket at the corner market, I’ve been hitting jackpots in other countries. I recently won €700,000 in the Alamannian lottery (the message was, curiously, in Spanish), $500,000 in the Niger Delta Development Commission’s monthly online lottery, and £55,000 in a lottery held by Chevron and DeBeers Diamond. Plus who knew even the United Nations had a lottery? The Asia Secretary General wrote to me to confirm if I was “(DEAD) or (ALIVE)” so that they could process my winnings of $2 million.
There’s still more!
- “Sequel to the legal fight” (that I did not know I was a party to), the International Court of Justice, pursuant to the United Nations wants to send me my $5 billion settlement, payable through the World Bank.
- Nor did I realize I was well-known in South Africa, but someone there wants to give me $42.6 million because I am a “respected personality.”
- No fewer than three dying women — one from Oman, another from Cote d’ivoire, and someone in Asia — would like me to receive a total of $66 million (some of which they’d like me to spend on helping widows and orphans) because I am a “God-fearing person.” They must have the wrong gal.
- An account manager at Lloyds of London offered me 40% of £56 million from a closed account. Another account manager there was a little greedier, and would only offer me 30% of £15.5 million.
With all this good news flooding in, it’s a good thing I heed all those warnings and keep my inbox from exceeding it’s limit!